It's really hard to find a veteran mentor when you are a suicide bomber.

You are what you eat if you're a cannibal

The lobster tank at a seafood restaurant is an aquatic death row.

I went over to Scruff McGruffs for lunch, but all he had to eat was crime.

We are all racist when it comes to laundry.

I am crumbling under the pressure of being the only person who can prevent forest fires.

If we weren't supposed to eat cows they'd be harder to kill, They'd have lazer beams, and i'd be like sorry Mr. Cow I'll go eat so defenseless lettuce

Lots of people say they can get away with murder, OJ went out and did it.

I used to be a midget, but i grew out of it.

there's a lot of pressure when you're a magician. I mean one bad day at the office and you go from the guy who can saw a woman in half, to murderer.

things are always looking up if you're short

midgets are appetizers for vampires

when work screws you over, is that prostitiution?

I'm pretty sure that whole oil spill could be soaked up by one shamwow.

my mom used to tell me i could do anything. turns out i can't whistle. thanks for lying to me mom.

it's not just transformers, everybody is more than meets the eye, well unless you are naked.

I bet "The Golden Girls" would be a lot racier if it were on the air today, what with Viagra and all.

Futon's have an identity crisis. Are you a couch, or a bed? Make up your mind I will love you either way.

A segway is the in between stage from walking to rascaling.

thinks it's funny that the neverending story has a sequel. how can there be a second of something that never ends?

I bet most of the muggings that occur in the game of Monopoly, happen right after people pass GO.

the coolest guy ever, is the guy who invented air conditioning.

we need a new term for messing stuff up. I vote for BP. An example. "How'd you do in your meeting" "It was rough, I totally BP'd it. Ex 2 "How'd your

the thought is what counts when you're psychic

If you have allergies, it means Mother Nature doesn't want to play with you.

Just ate a burger so good, I'm pretty sure even the heart attack will be delicious

magicians are just flamboyant liars.

I've seen through the Bullshit, Beer doesn't give you hangover, stopping drinking it does.

I am a wealth of knowledge, unfortunately the knowledge is of no wealth.

Is pretty sure we all eat a Resse's the same way, with our mouths.

eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is like eating your childhood.

Sorry President Bush, but some kids did get left behind, and they became cashiers.

Even Crack thinks Cheez-its are addicting.

the reason Tyrannosaurus Rex's were so angry and ate people all the time, was because with those tiny arms, they never got a hug.

Getting mugged is the grown up version of getting your lunch money taken.

Sometimes when you are in a long dry spell, you may think you're open for business, but your crotch has a sign that says sorry we're closed.

Just watched the classic commercial, and is it just me or does your brain look tastier on drugs?

Free booze is a misnomer. I always end up paying for it with a hangover.

Is it wrong to eat a salad on earth day?

I am many things to many people, it sort of comes with having multiple personalities

If evolution is correct, my hand should be slowly turning into a bottle opener.

Doesn't need a gun to blow your mind.

How do you become a daredevil? We'll i have no employable skills, but i'm not afraid to die, i'm going to go jumps shit for a living.

you can keep your opposable thumbs, I say what seperates us from the animals is the ability to tell that beggin strips aren't bacon.

You kids are arrogant. Think of all the places a monster could live, and yet you think he's under your bed.

Never eat stuffing at a Taxidermists house.

Don't let the name fool you, food stamps aren't edible.

If i was the big bad wolf i'd have been less concerned about blowing their house down, and concentrated more on making bacon.

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he's on the penny, Ben Franklin got hit by lighting and he's on the 100 bill, how is that fair?

The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, stop making that face or it will freeze that way. Parents are liars.

If you vomit when you drink too much, that's like bulimia with liquor.

Shots are the steroids of drinking.

When girls do it it's called a walk of shame when guys do it i think it's more of a strut.

You could be a mini youtube sensation by making Trailers for porn. "In a world full of poor plumbing, only he has a plunger big enough"

Bets it's super hard to figure out if someone Overdosed on Sleeping Pills, or if they are just sleeping really soundly.