Things that I honestly believe

1. Other than my father the Reverend, I think I got my moral compass from the end of episodes of GI Joe.

2. A tattoo on the base of your back is a call for help, most likely to be answered by horny dudes.

3. Occasionally gravity takes a few plays off.

4. If you're really really smart, you should make it a point to do something really really stupid.

5. Even the dali lama hates Kathy Griffin

6. Magic Johnson beat AIDS

7. When you make chicken as finger licking good as KFC I honestly don't care what you do to the chickens.

8. It should take you no more than 64 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop.

9. None of you have the patience to test that last one, you'll bite in by lick 37.

10. Who cares blow pops are better.

11. The "Fall Guy" had the greatest theme song ever, God bless you Lee Majors.

12. A sense of humor is NOT the biggest turn on for women.

13. When a girl gives me the middle finger, she's trying to pick me up

14. Bachelor Parties should be held in Vegas.

15. There's no time like the present, to procrastinate.

16. 14 year olds shouldn't dress like whores, it gets peoples hopes up.

17. That last one was true, but it made me sound like a creep.

18. Eating an apple a day has absolutely no barring on whether or not you'll go see a doctor.

19. We look forward to fridays with the same intensity as we looked forward to christmas when we were little.

20. God was just screwing around when he made the platypus.

21. He was just showing off when he made Jessica Alba.

22. She would totally date me if I looked totally different.

23. Paris Hilton should be locked in a room full of mirrors, we'd be rid of her and she'd be in vanity heaven.

24. That when I go out I look so good I take myself home.

25. This list maxed out at number 12.

2012 London Me vs The World

I admit it, i caught it, I've got the olympic fever and it won't be sated by the closing ceremonies or by watching the luge in two years. No this is something i have to do it burns inside me like a flaming golden hawk. So after careful consideration and immense research into finding out what sport an out of shape 27 year old could pick up and reasonably expect to win gold, just 4 years from now, i've decided to be an Olympic walker. It's alright to laugh, we olympic walkers are use to it. But I'm going to channel all your contempt and your accusations that putting one foot in front of the other isn't a sport and use it to push me harder and faster, but not into a run. This isn't like when i wanted to be our nations forest fire representative but bailed out as soon as i realized Smokey wasn't going down with out a fight. No, i am fully committed to this. I've hired Jasper Jenkins, the name of names amongst walkers the world over, to train me this guys been walking since before he could crawl. I got a key to the local mall so i can walk whenever i want to so my training will never be interrupted. I know a lot of you walk to work, and your probably thinking i walk 20 minutes everyday how hard can this be, well you'd be wrong. While you are mindlessly putting one foot in front of the other I'm already thinking six steps ahead, making sure each step gets me one step closer to my destination, careful to never waste a step. I've got a camel pack full of water, a fanny pack full of protein bars, all that's left is for me to walk hard. See you guys in London I'll be the guy with a gold medal on my neck.

Hey Michael Phelps it was fun while it lasted, but now I don't want to hear from you for about four years

This man literally wrote the book

A fantastic insight into the mind of men

I'm much more concerned about whether the 3rd girl from the left is an alien than if she is old enough to compete

In her defense Alien Head is out of this world on the Uneven Bars

Look at this Dinosaur Cow

I think it drools Milk

How can you tell the trash girls, from the prostitutes?

Today on the bus 3 different young ladies were headed to work, but I couldn’t tell if work was in the corner office or the corner of the street. One girl had on a skirt that was more or less glued on her lovely lady humps, when she stood up I learned that she had decided match the color of her underwear to her shirt today. The next girl looked like she’d spent all morning getting ready to go to the club, the strip club, I mean all she was missing was the body glitter. It’s 8:30 a.m. I’m pretty sure the perfume bath and the push up bra weren’t necessary. And the final girl was showing you every inch of her milk makers except her nipple placement. Now don’t get me wrong as a 100% red blooded American I do not mind seeing some scantly clad ladies provided they can pull it off, but I’m just trying to wrap my head around the fact that if this attire is acceptable in corporate America, what’s the rest of the world doing? Are the Hooters girls wearing nipple pasties, are strippers only stripping out of their dignity? All I know is I see the trend, so tomorrow I’m coming to work with no pants on.